New Beginnings

Apologies for not updating this for so long, but seeing as there have been days in the last month when I have not even been able to get out of bed I hope you will forgive me. I have changed my blog to be more focused on the battle I am still fighting to get my life back on track after the double ectopic pregnancy we suffered last year. Pregnancy loss is something that will always be with you, but I am hoping to try and somehow convert the pain & suffering I am feeling into a more positive energy to push me forward.

Christmas was a difficult time. I sat in church for Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and seemed surprised at the tears that flowed the moment I opened my carol booklet. With hindsight, I think I should have been more aware that singing songs about a mother and the birth of her precious baby would have made my heart ache. Christmas Day was also tough as it was meant to be the day we made our annoucement. I was sick in the morning, not from any bug I had but from the stress and anxiety of just getting through that day in one piece. I did get through it and then New Year's Day presented the next hurdle. Standing in Birmingham Airport after returning home from Spain I stood waiting for my case on the conveyor belt and burst into tears. And I mean 'burst'. It was an explosion of emotion that saw me sobbing uncontrollably in the baggage hall and all the passengers around me wondering what Ryanair had done to my bags to make me so upset. Mr W tried his best to comfort me and through sobs I hope I managed to convey why I was making such a fool of myself. It suddenly dawned on me that with the two cycles I had to wait before we could try again, I would not be holding my baby in my arms in 2010 whatever happened. I had nothing to look forward to. 2010 was meant to be the year I welcomed two beautiful babies into the world on 25th July, yet, with a cruel stab from Fate, that dream would never be realised.

Somehow we got home and I spent the next 3 days in bed. Nothing would please me and I had forgotten how to smile. I just felt numb and empty. I didn't eat and I only dozed, getting out of bed only to watch trash on TV until about 1 a.m. and then I would go back to bed to start the cycle again. My Mum had told me the worst part of dealing with our loss would be when everyone else had gone back to normal, had stopped checking up on me, and then I would still feel the pain and hurt but I would feel on my own. Of course all my nearest and dearest told me to reach out to them in that time, but with my world reduced to my own bed, even Mr W seemed completely beyond my reach. It was my acupuncture appointment that finally got me out of bed and out of my pyjamas. She told me how my body was showing her what a great trauma I had been through by the unbalance in my pulses. She said it was the kind of trauma she would see with patients that had experienced years of some kind of substance abuse. After our session, I was angry with the whole world for about 48 hours. Mr W couldn't even sit right on the sofa beside me, that's how angry I was. And then I woke up two days later and I felt better. I felt stronger. I felt ready to put some clothes on and venture outside. And it was snowing. And everywhere looked beautiful. And Mr W and I went for a walk through the park and I linked my arm in his and I thought to myself 'Would it really be so bad if it was just the two of us?' And I didn't cry. But my heart still ached. And I knew I could hide my longing from everyone else, but not from myself.