I thought the world would be kind to me

I'm probably wallowing in my own self-pity here and I'd be the first to admit that I have been feeling especially sorry for myself lately. But I thought the world might feel sorry for me too. I've been through a terrible time. I can't have possibly been bad enough in my life to deserve to lose two precious babies and go through a horrific operation, so I would hope that most people would acknowledge that the blow I have been dealt is cruel and unfair. So why are people adding to it? I've posted about my toxic friend, but I am in the process of trying to get back to work to regain some sense of normality over my life and my boss is throwing obstacles up at every turn. He fakes concern about me but the truth is he doesn't want to pay me to come back for just a few days before Christmas and it's inconvenient for him as he's given my desk away to a new girl (so who knows what has happened to all my stuff amalgamated over the 6 years I have sat at that desk?) without so much as an email or phone call in my direction. And then, I have just had an email from Mr W's cousin. So far she has avoided all communication with us. No flowers, no card, no text message. And then I get an email entitled 'Hi there!'. Now that put me on the bad foot straight away. I'm not cheery, this is not a chatty email asking what I've been up to over the last few weeks, this is an email where she is going to discuss the death of my two precious babies and she starts with 'Hi there!'??? She gives no reason as to why the email is 2 weeks late, even though her mother (Mr W's auntie) sent a lovely card 10 days ago. And then after a brief 'Sorry to hear your bad news' she proceeds to tell me all about how precious her newborn son is (born over a month ago so I guess that could explain why she hasn't been in touch but then can't either new parent text anyone when you have a newborn?? They were quick enough to do so to announce their good news from my recollection). Mr W can't understand why I'm upset. 'They got in touch eventually' he said, and he can't see the poor taste of gloating about her baby boy in front of a woman who has lost two. 'If I had lost a leg,' I say to Mr W, 'would you not think that an email to me boasting about how she has two legs would be in bad taste?'. So now he's upstairs in his office thinking I have totally lost it and I am down in the living room writing this. To the only people that will understand. Because it seems that the world is a cruel place and I had better get used to it quickly.

Now that I have got over my angst, I do want to add that I have also been touched to the bottom of my heart by the kindness of others. My friend that hand-knitted me a hot water bottle cover. The girl I know through an internet support site for women with problems conceiving that sent me beautiful flowers having never met me. The work colleague that sat talking to Mr W for ages and offering him hope that we would one day get the child of our dreams. My best friend who has, without fail, text me everyday to see how I am and made a near 5 hour round trip to see me for a few hours. The local friend who brought groceries round to cook us a healthy & wonderful meal. The childhood friend from school whom I haven't seen for a year that rang me as soon as she heard the news. So the world has been kind to me in unforeseen ways, as it has also been cruel. I guess this is what they mean by really evaluating who your friends are. In my 29 years on this earth I have never been forced to make this evaluation. Friends have dropped out of my life based on circumstance or situation. But I feel now I have to somehow take charge and concentrate my time and effort on the people who have shown how much they really think of me. Because without these touches of kindness, I don't think I could have survived the last two weeks. The touches are healing, warm, rejuvenating, restoring. And for every toxic and poisonous sting of venom, I have received ten fold more kind and healing touches. So I have a lot to be thankful for. And I need to shake this self-pity because the world is kinder to me than I give it credit for.

Thank you for reading