Two Precious Angels

I wake up in the recovery room and Dr Mumble is there. He is explaning that my right tube was too damaged to save and he is also saying that there was another ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. They had to remove it but they put the tube back together as best they could. He was asking if I understood what he was saying. The nurse told him I was too drowsy and he would need to speak to me again. But I understood. There were two babies. Two angels. Twins that I could not keep safe. Twins that God had wanted so much he took them before they had even really begun to grow. My precious babies that were too good for this cruel world of ours.

It's a week since my operation and physically I am healing day by day. But my heart feels like it will never be mended. I feel that I will always have this emptiness inside. That I will never truly feel whole. Mr W and I went to the hospital chapel the day after the operation and we said some prayers and hung a bauble on their christmas tree with our own little prayer attached. We thanked God for the strength he had given us to get through that terrible day and we asked that he take good care of our precious angels that we never got to meet. Because I know that everything is decided about you from the moment you are conceived. Your hair colour, your eye colour, your height, all those physical characteristics are determined in that one moment. God knows what you are going to look like. You may be a fetus to the medical world, but to him you are a child created in his image. And I know my babies would have looked just like their Daddy. And I know we would have loved them so very, very much. And it hurts that I never got the chance to see them and that I never got to hold them and tell them how much they were loved. My friend says that they are my guardian angels. That they were sent to show me that I can get pregnant, that there is hope for me and that one day I will hold that precious child in my arms. And that just makes them all the more special.

So at this moment, the dream of being a mummy still remains unfulfilled. Because of scarring in my left tube I have a 20% chance of another ectopic and I will be monitored closely if we do fall pregnant again naturally. Or there is IVF. I know I will try again. I know I will find the strength to pick myself up and move onto the next step of the journey. Because life does not kill the dream you dreamed, not while you still have hope. Mr W says he knows we will be parents. He feels it in his heart. But all I feel is emptiness and the absence in my life of the two beautiful babies we should have been welcoming into our lives this summer. The preparations are on hold, the names remain unused, and my heart stays broken.