Funerals, Births, & Bumps

Well, I have been away for a while and I do have good reason. Mr W's uncle died suddenly in Ireland so we went back to help organise the funeral and the two day wake in true Irish tradition. I will never understand why the mourning family have to make tea, sandwiches, and cake for around 500 people at the height of their grief but it seems to be a tradition that the Irish hold onto.

So I was trying to be a good wife and support Mr W through his grief and also shed a few tears myself for a much loved Uncle-in-Law I will sadly miss. But I was distracted by the inevitable bumps and babies that seem to follow me around. Friends of ours had seen the recent newborn in Ireland which Mr W and I have not had the strength to see ourselves yet and of course there were the inevitable photos which I had to force myself to ooh and ahh over. I know I probably sound like a heartless b*tch (and believe me I feel like one) but I just can't get over the pang I feel when I want that to be me so much that it clouds everything else. It clouds happiness for them, it clouds grief for a lost loved one, it clouds every worry or every feeling I have. This must be what they mean by an obsession.

To add to this, there were two cousins of Mr W noticeably pregnant at the funeral with their lovely pregnant glow and their beautiful bumps. Again the green-eyed monster took me away from my surroundings and all I could do was focus on them and the horrible feelings of envy I had inside. We also had another birth while we were there which is another new born we will have to see on our next visit. I'm at the stage now where I don't think I can even bring myself to buy the card so Mr W has offered to do it. Just the thought of picking it up and writing my congratulations in it makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob my heart out.

Has it really come to this? Have I lost all my compassion and joy for other people in a horrible jealous frenzy of wanting what it seems is still out of my reach, while those around me enjoy it with seemingly little effort. I feel like I'm ready to give up but I can never truly get off this rollercoaster of my own accord. I feel sick, but it's almost time to start the ride again as I feel sure my monthly visitor is just around the corner.

Sex Education in Schools

Ok this is a little off the general topic of things but I have just been listening to a programme on the radio about sex education in schools and a local school near me is going to start sex education for children at primary school in Year 6. I think this makes them about 10/11 years old which I think is too young. I believe children have a natural innocence that they grow out of when they are ready. You can't force that. Of course, girls of a certain age need the chat about what is happening to their body. Maybe I am lucky in the fact that chat came from my Mum but I am sure a school nurse or teacher would do a great job too. But that's not about sex, that's about the changes happening to a girl's body to prepare her for future motherhood (hopefully). I clearly remember the day I learnt about the sexual difference between boys and girls. I was in our family bathroom which had never had a lock on it. We used to walk in and out with no bother as children so it had never been needed. The shower screen was glass and I was 12 years old and starting to develop. My brother, 15 months younger than me, came in to the bathroom with his friends to see if he could borrow my camping mat. I screamed the place down and I still remember my brother's bewilderment at why he couldn't come into the bathroom when I was in there just as he had always done. And a lock got fitted on the door soon after that. It was sad in a way, because I was no longer a 'child'. But I didn't need someone at school to teach me that, I learnt it in my own time.

They say teaching children about sex from a young age will stop teenage pregnancy but I don't agree. Will it stop children like Alfie Patten and his girlfriend Chantelle having sex under her parent's roof? Not at all. The fact that a 14 year old girl had sex with at least two boys in her childhood bed with her parents in the house would not be solved by better sex education in schools. She, and I believe her parents, knew exactly what they were doing. I don't know how to solve a problem like that, but it's not going to be done by robbing other children of their innocence before they're ready.

I'm NOT Symptom Spotting!

Why do we do it? Month after month of the same behaviour as soon as we hit the 2ww. Everytime I promise myself I won't do it and every month I do. This month is worse because I feel the clomid has done something in the ovarian region, judging by the pain there, so all signs point towards ovulating (yay!) and with all the baby-dancing, if we didn't catch it I don't know how I can possibly step it up next month. Apart from maybe cancelling work and all social activities and just having sex all day every day!! I don't think Mr W & I have had this much sex since we got together 6 years ago. I had gone off the boil somewhat of late with ttc sex but it seems that Sergeant Major Clomid has me back on that gravy train with avengeance! But despite my renewed enthusiasm, it's left me back where I always seem to be: spotting symptoms in the 2ww and desperately trying not to.

According to the holy grail that is EWCM, I would have ovulated Thursday or Friday last week. Which would make me 7dpo today and too early for any symptoms I'm sure. But this is what I have:

Sore throat but no cold for the past 3-4 days (I'm just fighting a bug off)

Very tired (again fighting that bug and the clomid still in my system)

Sore nipples & sides of breasts (again, the clomid, who knows what it's done to the normal cycle of things?)

Felt a bit nauseous this morning (I am totally imagining that and I do it every month! I think I make myself feel sick just to keep the hope alive)

Terrible skin (again, I think this is the clomid. Or AF arriving earlier than her usual 35 day show?)

Slightly elevated temperature (when has it not been elevated during this month's clomid-induced heat wave going on in my body?)

All this, and I still have another week to go. Oh, and on the theme of weird dreams, I dreamt last night that I checked my nipples to see if they'd turned darker (as we all do I'm sure!) and they were almost black! I don't know what that means but I checked when I woke up and they are still a normal colour. The 'bumps' are the same as normal and nothing in that department has changed colour or got bigger. I think the other symptoms might be all in my head.

21 Day Bloods

Today I am sporting the latest in TTC fashion, a little white cotton ball held in place by tape in the crook of my right arm. I also know I have the start of a bruise underneath as I can feel the ache. It's the evidence of my 21 day progesterone blood test to see if Sergeant Major Clomid is doing his job properly. My first 21 day bloods resulted in bad bruising on both arms as the poor phlebotomist struggled to find a decent vein, and yet my arms seem to be covered in them! But this time was relatively less painful so now I have to just sit and wait for the results. I will be the first to admit that I hate to fail at anything. I have always been a swot and a straight A student and actually cried my heart out over one exam at school that didn't go so well in case (heaven forbid!) I got a B. At university I wasn't happy with anything but a First Class degree, and that is what I got through a lot of hard work and the added gift of being good at exams. But this is something I can fail, this is something that no matter how hard I have worked and how much I have done, it is truly out of my control. I can have all the acupuncture, take all the vitamins, follow the best PCOS diet, have all the sex humanly possible in all the best positions, and there is still no guarantee that I will pass my 21 day blood test. And for someone like me that seems so hard to come to terms with. This is out of my hands. My doctor, my acupuncturist, keep telling me I am doing all I can but how can that be good enough when I haven't succeeded? I have read a lot about clomid making you ovulate later than CD21 so I am not going to give up on the baby-dancing as I AM determined to do all I can. And then I just have to add to that a bit of hoping & praying that this time, for lucky cycle 21, it's finally enough.

Zita West's Visualisation

I am trying something different this month for lucky month 21. I am trying Zita West's visualisation technique. Well, I don't know if she patented it but it was in her book so I am going to call it hers. It involves visualising what is happening at each stage of the baby-making process. So it goes something like this:

Pre-ovulation: Imagine that follicle growing
Ovulation: Picture that fabulously matured egg starting its fallopian journey
After baby-dancing: Cheer on those sperm swimming their way through your uterus
Post-ovulation: Picture the sperm sweet-talking the egg & see one get lucky
Implantation: Watch the fertilised egg cling on to the uterus lining & burrow

When you break it down like that it doesn't seem so hard to believe that we haven't conceived after nearly 2 years. Firstly, I don't seem to be doing so well at releasing the mature eggs and secondly, my uterus lining is thinner than 'normal'. So even if my poor egg gets fertilised, I can imagine it trying to cling onto a rope made of fine thread before it plunges into the abyss. Plus, all it needs is some killer acidic cervical mucus to stop all the sperm dead in their tracks. And some months I just know my cervical mucus is as much of a turn off to them as my call to 'just hurry up & ejaculate' is to Mr W.

But for this month I am putting all that cynicism aside. The visualisation technique isn't scientific and I'm sure few people would say it would have any influence on the outcome. But I'm willing to try anything.

My Pledge to Infertility

Perhaps this post should come with a warning as I'm going to be honest, brutal even, and some people may not like what they read. You have been warned!

If God does decides to bless me with a child of my own then I owe it to all the other ladies suffering along with me to make this pledge:

1. I will NOT use the photo of my first u/s as my profile on Facebook. Controversial maybe but the amount of people that have floored me with that as their way of announcing their pregnancy and the tears that follow will never be forgotten

2. Similarly, I will NOT use my status updates to regularly remind all those ladies I am friends with who are not pregnant just what they are missing out on. Like me at this current time, I am sure they know all too well

3. I will NEVER tell anyone they will never understand unconditional love until they are a mother. We all have family, friends, pets that we can love unconditionally. I already understand what that means

4. I will NEVER ask anyone 'So, what about children?' or 'So when will you be having babies?' or any of those intrusive questions that are really none of my god damn business. Similarly, I will NEVER refer to the biological clock. That must have been a man's invention

5. I will NEVER ask any woman if she wants to stroke my tummy and I will instruct Mr W NOT to tell people I am the most beautiful pregnant woman he has seen. Both have happened to me recently and I walked away both times to hide my tears. Said people involved probably now view me as some hideous monster

6. I will NEVER tell anyone to 'just relax and it will happen'. I promise not to forget how infuriating those words are

7. I will ALWAYS look at women suffering infertility with the utmost admiration and respect. How we get up every morning and carry on with this cloud hanging over us all of the time truly astounds and amazes me

8. If I see a woman looking at me & my baby with longing, I will REMEMBER what that felt like. I promise NOT to look at her like she's a circus freak. 'Roll up, roll up and come look at the woman with the non-functioning ovaries'. In a similar vein, I will NEVER judge anyone I see buying baby clothes with tears in their eyes

9. I will be grateful every day for what I have. I will NEVER moan about sleepless nights or feeds or nappies or mood swings when they reach puberty. My child will always be the most precious gift to me

10. Although I will always feel the statement above, I promise NOT to include those sentiments in similar Facebook status updates. I don't need to shout my joy from the rooftops for people to know it is there

Finally I also pledge that I will not hide away from the journey I have taken. I will not be ashamed to tell the world about the cycles of frustration and disappointment.

And I hope with all my heart that I get to fulfil my pledge and that my current infertility is a stage in my life and not its definition.

Sergeant Major Clomid

I don't feel I can go any further without telling you a little bit about clomid & it's impact on my life. I as yet cannot tell you if it's the wonder drug that you seem to read about but it certainly seems to be running my life at the moment.

Side effect no 1: the headaches. I don't suffer from migraines so I can only assume what I get is pretty mild but they feel like someone has your head in a vice at your temples & they are continually squeezing it a little tighter. They seem to start around 10 or 11 a.m. & not go away all day regardless of what you take to get rid of them.

Side effect no 2: hot flashes. These can come without warning & leave you with your make-up sliding down your face a la me in House of Fraser last weekend. Not pretty at all. If I looked a bit older people would think I am going through the menopause. It's not that you are sweating a lot as such, just that you are so unbelievably hot that even if you took all your clothes off & bathed in ice you would still feel like you were boiling inside.

Side effect no 3: bloating. I am actually trying to put these in a vague order of how prominent they are & how much they effect my life but I think this would be joint second with the hot flashes. The headaches are the worst simply because they seem to happen every day! The bloating is awful though & there are times (thankfully mostly in the evening when I'm at home in my elasticated jogging bottoms) when I look about 5 months pregnant. There is pain too, low down where your ovaries are. Kind of like an ache or a stretching pain. I convince myself it means they are waking up from their temporary hibernation! Sergeant Clomid is rounding the eggs up for duty!

Side effect no 4: the moods. I have always been subject to a hormonal mood swing now and again (haven't we all girlies?!) but this is on a whole new scale & you can't contain it. I shouted at my brother-in-law for watching the X Factor when I don't like it & proceeded to rant about it for about 10 minutes even after he'd changed the channel! I can take any little comment the wrong way & I have never been a sensitive soul. I asked Mr W to list the clomid side effects from his point of view & he put this as no 1! Although he termed it as 'it makes you agitated'. Doesn't it just!!

Side effect no 5: crazy dreams & interrupted sleep. One of my work colleagues is pregnant & she comes in & tells us about the crazy dreams she has had. She doesn't have a patch on me, although I try not to share too much as no one at work knows we are ttc & crazy hormonal dreams might alert them that something is going on. Honestly, they can be some really weird sh*t. I've chased a giant sandwich (not sure why), ridden on the back of a dragon, been pregnant with various different creatures (none of whom human), and so on. None of them are particularly disturbing at the time but I wake up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed. And I have to pee at least once in the night, usually about 4 a.m. which is unusual for me. It might have something to do with the glass of water I gulp around 1 a.m. when I wake up so hot my blood must be boiling. And I have to fight not to go to bed at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night. What social life?!

My advice to those ladies about to start clomid? Drink plenty of water. I used to drink my 2 litres per day but I have upped it to 3 or even 4 & it has helped me to feel better. The more water I drink, the more the side effects seem to subside. Also, have acupuncture. It's been a god send to me & I don't know how I would have coped with everyday life without it. And find someone to talk to. Even if it's on a chat forum, or it's your acupunturist, or someone not that close to you. You'll feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under you & you can't underestimate the power of someone asking you how you are doing & really being able to answer truthfully. And most of all, I wish you all the luck in the world & hope that all of us will be adding to the clomid success statistics very soon.

My TTC Journey So Far

As I am starting this blog already quite far into the TTC journey I thought I should provide you with an update of where I am &how I got here. We first started ttc in March 2008 on our fabulous honeymoon. Now like most girls I was always taught that it only takes one 'little slip' without contraception to get you good & pregnant so I was convinced the first time Mr W & I got jiggy with it was enough. I felt I had all the pregnancy symptoms under the sun. I was definitely pregnant. My period didn't arrive so off I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test. It was negative & she told me there was little chance I was pregnant. 'Go away and come back in 6 months if you still haven't had a period' was her reply. I was upset, but not distraught, I'd get it next time. And then the next time. And then the next time. Then there was a breakthrough when at the end of May 2008 my period was late & an afternoon test showed a positive blue line! Yippee!! I couldn't stop smiling. The line was faint so Mr W told me to take another one the next morning, which, as you may have guessed, was a BFN. Then my period started. The doc's weren't too concerned, probably just an evap line rather than a chemical pregnancy as I couldn't remember if I'd checked it in the 3-10 minute window (in future tests I always set a timer to avoid this). But to me that baby had been real, if only for a few days. I was gutted & as the months went on I started to sink into despair. People around me got pregnant at the drop of a hat it seemed & I started to see bumps and babies everywhere.

In January of 2009 I realised I had wasted one of the most precious gifts that life can give you: the first year of married life. I had been an emotional mess & even sought counselling. So I decided to turn over a new leaf & stop obsessing about ttc every moment of every day. By July 2009 though Mr W & I both decided enough was enough & we made an appointment with the doctor. 21 day blood tests revealed I had PCOS & it was confirmed by a ultrasound scan of my bulky, good-for-nothing ovaries. The one slight up side was I managed to fill my bladder perfectly for my scan so I didn't have to have it 'trans-vaginally'! Those very words on the letter filled me with absolute dread! They were accompanied by the lovely explanation from the NHS: 'You will be having an ultrasound scan just like an expectant mother would have of her baby'! Thanks for the tact guys, I needed reminding that the first u/s scan I'm having is not for the baby I desperately want but to see what's wrong with my stupid body & why it can't do what should be perfectly natural! So armed with my PCOS diagnosis I went to my GP who asked me if I wanted to try metformin first or skip straight to the hard stuff - the famous clomid I had heard so much about on the internet. I opted for the hard stuff. Cycle 1 was a dead loss as my period didn't arrive on time much to my annoyance (again allowing myself that little bit of hope to creep in & having to face two BFNs to knock me back down to earth); but I'm now on Cycle 2 & took the clomid on the right days. Soooooo, I'm CD19 now & technically just starting the 2ww. Who knows if Sergeant Major Clomid whipped at least one ovary into shape in time to fulfill their part of the deal? I can but hope and pray, which is pretty much what I've done for the last 21 cycles. So I should be getting good at it ...

My Introduction....

I have been following lots of different blogs across the internet lately and it got me thinking that maybe it would be therapeutic for me to start my own. My biggest hope is that my ttc journey will be at an end very, very soon but, like a truly greedy individual, I am sure I will still want more. More children definitely, although after the heartache of the last twenty-odd months I really do feel I mean it at the moment when I say I'd be happy with one. I have a Daruma figure at home from my time spent in Japan and you are meant to make a wish and colour in one eye. When your wish comes true then you can colour the other eye in. I left Japan over 6 years ago and when I did I coloured in the eye and I made my wish. Now I am usually a firm believer in not sharing wishes in case it jinxes them to not come true, but I hope my superstition won't get the better of me if I share my wish with you. I wished for Mr W and I to live happily ever after and I wished for children. Now, I didn't actually know Mr W at this stage so it was more of a generic wish but at the tender age of just 23 I knew I wanted my family. I have known I have wanted my family from a much younger age than that, but time and experience have made me realise that it's not as easy as it seemed back then. So after nearly 2 years of ttc and many, many months of heartache my Daruma doll sits in my spare room, that would be the nursery, mocking me with its one eye. Half the wish is complete, I have a fabulous husband and I really do feel I have met my soulmate, but we don't have our family. Some days I feel like I am asking for too much. Those same days where I beg and plead with God to just let me have one baby and I'll stop asking for anything ever again. It makes me sadder than I ever thought possible to write that I really don't feel I will ever be happy if my wish isn't granted.

I have spent a lot of time this year thinking about why I want to be a mother. Discovering that it is not a God given right but a blessing have led me to justify why I deserve to be. I'm no saint but I think I would give a child a good start by teaching them how to treat others as they would like to be treated. I would love teaching them about the world and sharing all their new experiences. I know this as I do part of it already with my nieces and nephews. But I have to hand them back, I don't get to share everything with them, and they already have a mother and a father. I have thought about adoption, as I know I don't need a biological child to do all the things I have said; but I want a biological child. I want a child that shares Mr W's genes more than my own. I want a child that has his eyes, his smile, and I want him to look at his child and see himself. And I can't justify that. I can't say I deserve that child. But it doesn't make me want them any less. And selfishly I ask for that child every day. I ask for them before I pray for anyone else, and I make a deal that if my prayer is answered I will never ask for anything ever again.