My TTC Journey So Far

As I am starting this blog already quite far into the TTC journey I thought I should provide you with an update of where I am &how I got here. We first started ttc in March 2008 on our fabulous honeymoon. Now like most girls I was always taught that it only takes one 'little slip' without contraception to get you good & pregnant so I was convinced the first time Mr W & I got jiggy with it was enough. I felt I had all the pregnancy symptoms under the sun. I was definitely pregnant. My period didn't arrive so off I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test. It was negative & she told me there was little chance I was pregnant. 'Go away and come back in 6 months if you still haven't had a period' was her reply. I was upset, but not distraught, I'd get it next time. And then the next time. And then the next time. Then there was a breakthrough when at the end of May 2008 my period was late & an afternoon test showed a positive blue line! Yippee!! I couldn't stop smiling. The line was faint so Mr W told me to take another one the next morning, which, as you may have guessed, was a BFN. Then my period started. The doc's weren't too concerned, probably just an evap line rather than a chemical pregnancy as I couldn't remember if I'd checked it in the 3-10 minute window (in future tests I always set a timer to avoid this). But to me that baby had been real, if only for a few days. I was gutted & as the months went on I started to sink into despair. People around me got pregnant at the drop of a hat it seemed & I started to see bumps and babies everywhere.

In January of 2009 I realised I had wasted one of the most precious gifts that life can give you: the first year of married life. I had been an emotional mess & even sought counselling. So I decided to turn over a new leaf & stop obsessing about ttc every moment of every day. By July 2009 though Mr W & I both decided enough was enough & we made an appointment with the doctor. 21 day blood tests revealed I had PCOS & it was confirmed by a ultrasound scan of my bulky, good-for-nothing ovaries. The one slight up side was I managed to fill my bladder perfectly for my scan so I didn't have to have it 'trans-vaginally'! Those very words on the letter filled me with absolute dread! They were accompanied by the lovely explanation from the NHS: 'You will be having an ultrasound scan just like an expectant mother would have of her baby'! Thanks for the tact guys, I needed reminding that the first u/s scan I'm having is not for the baby I desperately want but to see what's wrong with my stupid body & why it can't do what should be perfectly natural! So armed with my PCOS diagnosis I went to my GP who asked me if I wanted to try metformin first or skip straight to the hard stuff - the famous clomid I had heard so much about on the internet. I opted for the hard stuff. Cycle 1 was a dead loss as my period didn't arrive on time much to my annoyance (again allowing myself that little bit of hope to creep in & having to face two BFNs to knock me back down to earth); but I'm now on Cycle 2 & took the clomid on the right days. Soooooo, I'm CD19 now & technically just starting the 2ww. Who knows if Sergeant Major Clomid whipped at least one ovary into shape in time to fulfill their part of the deal? I can but hope and pray, which is pretty much what I've done for the last 21 cycles. So I should be getting good at it ...