Funerals, Births, & Bumps

Well, I have been away for a while and I do have good reason. Mr W's uncle died suddenly in Ireland so we went back to help organise the funeral and the two day wake in true Irish tradition. I will never understand why the mourning family have to make tea, sandwiches, and cake for around 500 people at the height of their grief but it seems to be a tradition that the Irish hold onto.

So I was trying to be a good wife and support Mr W through his grief and also shed a few tears myself for a much loved Uncle-in-Law I will sadly miss. But I was distracted by the inevitable bumps and babies that seem to follow me around. Friends of ours had seen the recent newborn in Ireland which Mr W and I have not had the strength to see ourselves yet and of course there were the inevitable photos which I had to force myself to ooh and ahh over. I know I probably sound like a heartless b*tch (and believe me I feel like one) but I just can't get over the pang I feel when I want that to be me so much that it clouds everything else. It clouds happiness for them, it clouds grief for a lost loved one, it clouds every worry or every feeling I have. This must be what they mean by an obsession.

To add to this, there were two cousins of Mr W noticeably pregnant at the funeral with their lovely pregnant glow and their beautiful bumps. Again the green-eyed monster took me away from my surroundings and all I could do was focus on them and the horrible feelings of envy I had inside. We also had another birth while we were there which is another new born we will have to see on our next visit. I'm at the stage now where I don't think I can even bring myself to buy the card so Mr W has offered to do it. Just the thought of picking it up and writing my congratulations in it makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob my heart out.

Has it really come to this? Have I lost all my compassion and joy for other people in a horrible jealous frenzy of wanting what it seems is still out of my reach, while those around me enjoy it with seemingly little effort. I feel like I'm ready to give up but I can never truly get off this rollercoaster of my own accord. I feel sick, but it's almost time to start the ride again as I feel sure my monthly visitor is just around the corner.