I have been following lots of different blogs across the internet lately and it got me thinking that maybe it would be therapeutic for me to start my own. My biggest hope is that my ttc journey will be at an end very, very soon but, like a truly greedy individual, I am sure I will still want more. More children definitely, although after the heartache of the last twenty-odd months I really do feel I mean it at the moment when I say I'd be happy with one. I have a Daruma figure at home from my time spent in Japan and you are meant to make a wish and colour in one eye. When your wish comes true then you can colour the other eye in. I left Japan over 6 years ago and when I did I coloured in the eye and I made my wish. Now I am usually a firm believer in not sharing wishes in case it jinxes them to not come true, but I hope my superstition won't get the better of me if I share my wish with you. I wished for Mr W and I to live happily ever after and I wished for children. Now, I didn't actually know Mr W at this stage so it was more of a generic wish but at the tender age of just 23 I knew I wanted my family. I have known I have wanted my family from a much younger age than that, but time and experience have made me realise that it's not as easy as it seemed back then. So after nearly 2 years of ttc and many, many months of heartache my Daruma doll sits in my spare room, that would be the nursery, mocking me with its one eye. Half the wish is complete, I have a fabulous husband and I really do feel I have met my soulmate, but we don't have our family. Some days I feel like I am asking for too much. Those same days where I beg and plead with God to just let me have one baby and I'll stop asking for anything ever again. It makes me sadder than I ever thought possible to write that I really don't feel I will ever be happy if my wish isn't granted.
I have spent a lot of time this year thinking about why I want to be a mother. Discovering that it is not a God given right but a blessing have led me to justify why I deserve to be. I'm no saint but I think I would give a child a good start by teaching them how to treat others as they would like to be treated. I would love teaching them about the world and sharing all their new experiences. I know this as I do part of it already with my nieces and nephews. But I have to hand them back, I don't get to share everything with them, and they already have a mother and a father. I have thought about adoption, as I know I don't need a biological child to do all the things I have said; but I want a biological child. I want a child that shares Mr W's genes more than my own. I want a child that has his eyes, his smile, and I want him to look at his child and see himself. And I can't justify that. I can't say I deserve that child. But it doesn't make me want them any less. And selfishly I ask for that child every day. I ask for them before I pray for anyone else, and I make a deal that if my prayer is answered I will never ask for anything ever again.
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